Dear Chelso Mow

There is a homeless guy that perches by my work that I go an entire block to walk around because he wails loudly: “CAN ANYBODY HELP ME? WILL ANYBODY HELP MEEE??” He chases you with his paper cup desperately and demands for help at the top of his lungs. I honestly feel for him, homelessness does not appear to be a cake-walk. However, his tactics alarm me and I steer clear of him every day for the last two and a half months.

On that note, I was listening to a podcast today and in it they were talking about how a well-known author I did not very well known made a list of things someone can do to brighten someone else’s day. This is very productive and very positive and I appreciate the idea. I do feel like as the world needs more trolls, I would like to make a list of things that could slightly ruin someone’s day.

How to Slightly Dampen Someone’s Day:

  1. Cut them off in traffic and not think twice about it.
  2. Start a conversation with the cash register person when there’s a long line of people behind you.
  3. Leave your dirty dishes next to the sink for them to clean up. Don’t offer to help.
  4. Park like a madman and get a thrill at the idea that someone will try to park next to your park-job. Then leave after them so they look like the crazy person who started the parking nightmare.
  5. Do not even motion to stop the elevator doors from closing when a person is approaching to get in. Make sure to include some awkward eye contact.
  6. Find something about someone. Tell someone that you like how they have done it that day. Make it clear that you like it far more than any other day they’ve done it ever.
  7. Ask someone a question about themselves and then immediately do something else when they try to answer it. You don’t have time for that shit.
  8. Glue pennies to the ground faced heads up.
  9. Try to start conversations in the bathroom with people you don’t know very well.
  10. Start a sentence with: “Not to be offensive or anything, but…”
  11. Argue with someone in great detail when they are attempting to do something nice for you.
  12. Walk really slowly in a walk-way or isle.
  13. Walk really slowly across the street at a light or cross-walk.
  14. Put someone on the spot to pay for your meal. Maybe even promise to pay them back if you have a reputation of never paying people back.
  15. Hold the door open for someone when they are a decent distance away.

Chelso, I hope you like my list. I miss you but I won’t for much longer! I am excited to see you soon!

Much and many plentiful abundance of regards,

Maryanne

I lost my thing

Dear Chelso,

We watched the Chopped series with Ted Allen and his rugged face stubble – emphasizing the outdoorsness of a grill-off. It was everything you talked it up and more and I needed you to know this.

Right before I started to write this I decided to make my own cold brew coffee with this ground espresso that is too finely ground to actually use for espresso. I asked for it ground very fine and they practically made me a clay powder that clogs up my espresso tools every time I try to use it. I’ve been truly stumped by this stuff. However – last night as I was watching a Hulu advertisement with a cute old man talking highly about Starbucks employee life – I came up with the idea to stick the powder in a couple of those tea bags we bought at Diaso and leave it in some water overnight. Time will only tell if this is a success or not. I’m assuming it might be such a fine powder that it finds its way through the tea bags and ends up all at the bottom of the pitcher. This is what I find invigorating these days.

Chelso I loved your recommendation list and I hope I get to see your dress at some point! I personally really enjoy our reviews of things and I also enjoy having opinions about random stuff.

I recently decided that I wanted to go through my clothes and toss out a bunch of stuff I don’t wear to prep for the future move. I dumped all of my clothes in the middle of the floor and maybe worked my way through a fifth of my belongings. The remainder has been in the middle of my floor for about two weeks now. It’s definitely not the only thing hazardously left in my sick-path. It’s that moment where you wake up from your sick haze and realize how much of a mess you’ve become. I recall a similar feeling after being done with finals in college – just emerging from the chaos and noticing that somehow my life now resembles something of a tornado wreckage. I’m hopeful to get back on track this weekend. Much like my makeshift coldbrew, only time will tell.

I promise next time I’ll have something more exciting to say – but in the meantime this is all I have. You are lovely Chelso and I look forward to your next post!

Chelso Reviews

Hi Maryanne!

I always enjoy the posts where we review products or various things. I decided to do one. Because it could be a post with some actual point (which is rarity for me).

Hair Lightening Products. 

Lately I have been considering lightening my hair. My current color is to dark and my hair is too stressed and damage to handle lightening, so I’ve been using products that are supposedly easy on the hair. Now, I have color treated hair so it is not as effective but here are two solutions I tried.

John Frieda Hair Lightening Product 

I got it in the clearance section of Target. Now all of these products say not to use images.jpegon color treated hair, but I’m not trying to look blonde blonde as much as just lighter. My hair is jacked up so I wasn’t too concerned.  The product itself was effective. Since my hair is long it only lasted about 3-6 treatments. My hair did lighten and it didn’t seem to damage my hair anymore than it already is. However, the smell was really gross. It didn’t smell like chemicals or clean but like dirty mop water.

How It Works: After you wash your hair you spray it all over and style as usual. So the smell would kind of get baked in.

If it mixed it with other products you couldn’t smell it but it wasn’t my favorite. Eventually I got used to it and it maybe lightened my hair two shades.( I should change lightened to altered) Despite the smell I would do it again if it were on sale.

Apple Cider Vinegar: As part of my hair lightening adventure I decided to seek out a more “natural” approach to hair lightening after my stinky spray ran out. It was also supposed to double as a conditioner and shine treatment.

How It Works: You make sure your hair is wet and then you put one tablespoon of Vinegar with One cup of Water. You mix it in a spray bottle and spray liberally. It was unclear if I was supposed to use all of it, so I took the Maryanne approach and used all of it. It took a long time to spray on. I ended up putting more vinegar then they said. Then you are supposed to let it soak for 30 minutes and wash it out.

What Happened: I ended up combing it as I went along which may have made it not soak into my hair very much. it did function as a dentangler and made my hair soft. It was not a permanent soft, and did not actually condition my hair as much as make it ok for a little while. I’m going to try it again. It may have made my hair slightly lighter but I’m not convinced.  Here is a picture of apple cider vinegar in case you don’t know what it looks like for some reason. Symmetry is important to me. Or not because WordPress hates me. I’m leaving this bit in because its silly.

Ulta Salon

I shared with you how I felt about Ulta. I felt like I was too frumpy to be there. However, I ended up there because my hair was desperate for a deep condition, and I was too embarrassed to go to my hair dresser after playing science experiment with my hair. I also was not ready for a haircut and didn’t want to get yelled at by her. So I decided to go to Ulta because it was regionally close to me. The girl was actually really sweet, and she did a good job handling my hair and took her time. I got compliments on it all day, and if you go in the morning it is literally a ghost town. The prices were kind of high, but not really in comparison to what I am used to paying. For a style and deep conditioning treatment it was 48 dollars. It took her two hours, but she did a beautiful job. Would recommend.  None of my pictures are working. Kill me. So I will describe it vividly where the picture should be.

*There is a row of chairs in a white salon. Could literally be anywhere. I felt like I needed a picture. The chairs are black.

Ordering Clothes Off Amazon: 

I recently needed a dress for a concert I want to go to. I wanted a white one with sleeves to cover my arm chub. I hate cap sleeves and I didn’t want to shop so I thought I would try amazon. I found a darling dress for 30 bucks that fit perfectly. The reviews were trustworthy on sizing which was impressive because most clothing cites haven’t figured that one out. I did predict the dress to be more sheer than advertise so i bought a slip. It worked out great.

*here is a picture of the dress and amazon logo. My efforts are not being shown. It’s white, has a zipper and lace. It’s really cute and I am angry you can’t see it.

 

Well I think good things come in threes so I will stop there. (I know it’s technically four but whatever). It was not an exciting post but my life is not exciting. I hope you found this useful. It’s ok if you didn’t, I wont cry.

May you have a week filled with blessings, sprinkles, and gluten free shampoo.

Respectfully,

Chelzmow

 

 

 
DISCLAIMER* I am still working on my video. I’ve been living on a rock and don’t see people very often, but it is in the making. I promise. I’m at three now.

Random Pile

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Dear Chelso,

Im visiting my family after a week of having the plague. My stress over potentially moving and general life obstacles broke down my flimsy immune system and I came down with a terror cold. I couldn’t cover it up with medicines to at least appear normal at work so people promptly also treated me like I had the plague until I caved and went home. I was also too scared to order an uber home because I couldn’t stand the idea it might be someone who also thinks I have the plague and have them sweating about it for a 20 minute ride with me. So I took the long-ass train home.

I made brief attempts to return to work after that day, but I realized I still felt like crap and that clearly my coworkers would not be happy even if I did. So I have moved on to see my family in town for the week. On the way to my parents there is this long empty field that’s almost completely empty of shrubbery expect for one lone tree. I started to notice it in college on my travels back and forth from home and it made me hopeful sometimes. This tree somehow beat all the odds of living in this area where it must not be easy to live. Other times it made me sad cause of how lonely it looked. I acknowledge it every time I pass. I think when you picked me up from my apartment that one time to rescue me I tried to point out the tree. I have vague memories of trying to show you. But either way the recent rains have made everything beautiful and green and cows are all over the place taking advantage of the greens. Yesterday on my way to my parents the lonely tree had a cow laying underneath its shade with another cow nearby. And I know it sounds dumb Chelso and maybe it’s just sick-cold brain thinking things but seeing it brightened my whole day. My lonely tree was being visited.

I love time with family though and I’m prepared to have a fun weekend now that the stressful decisions are finally over for the moment. Thank you so much Chelso for helping me out at the end there, I was about to lose my marbles and once again your words brought me assurance and guidance.

Sorry this post is just random but I’m just swimming in cold medicine induced thoughts. For example, I think I finally figured out what the psychic lady meant when she asked if I was a Scorpio and I said no I’m a Leo and she said I should always be more Leo. I always wondered if she was putting down scorpios or if my energy was like the negative aspects of one or something. But this morning I woke up and realized she meant I should just be myself the best I can instead of being a shittier version of something else.

Chelso good luck with school as always I look forward to seeing this punishment video! I’m anxiously awaiting it.

-Marymow

In Progress…

Dear Maryanne,

I am the worst. I am in the process of getting people to answer my question but it is hard to get people to want to be on camera. Since I convinced by siblings to do it, I didn’t want to have three people not be on camera. It just isn’t aesthetically pleasing to me.  I might resort to random people who kind of horrifies me, but I’m all for facing my fears… I guess…

School is gross, Life is gross but every once in a while I meet people who remind me that I can shape the reality I want. Which can be a life changing concept to grasp as well as absolutely horrifying. This story is much better in person, and maybe I will include it in the video as punishment for taking so damn long. Long story short: my new neighbor (who is moving in two weeks) is part of a Western reenactment troupe. She even introduced herself as Allie Urp. Her life is a western and her problems include bandits and sabotage. It was maybe the most horrifying and spectacular person on this planet. She also warned me that the guys that tow the cars there are thugs.

I am partially posting to avoid any further punishment. If I am being real, but I am working very hard sort of. I might have to just say the results and not show them, I don’t know. I’m a lawyer I guess I should have them sign a waiver.

As I write this I am experiencing threat level midnight. I am in the school library and don’t want to leave my stuff unattended, and I am afraid if I leave this WordPress will delete it. Which would upset me for obvious reasons. I have so many stories to tell you.

I have so many stories I should really record a podcast for you again so I’m just going to make a quick itemized list.

  • Western Lady
  • Mr. Lawyer Jokes
  • Hipster Fashion Douche

I love you very very much and will post more this week once I finish my project/punishment.

Best wishes to you and all the kitties in your life,

Chelso the Procrastinator

Reviewing More Things

Dear Chelso,

Today, sitting on the train I saw a guy that looked like the guy I knew from work get on it to ride to work. I realized that I had seen him many times on the train but because I had only recently met him – I did not realize it until that moment. It seemed like such a fascinating thing to me upon realizing it, but coworkers just tried to make it weird when I attempted to bring it up. I need to join a club that discusses the mildly interesting aspects of coincidences.

As the title would imply, I have a couple of random things to review. I enjoy doing this so I hope you enjoy reading it.

Item: Daiso Lint Remover || Feeling: GOOD

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This was a weird purchase when I shopped with you Chelso and I really love this little machine. I remember specifically buying this and thinking that I’d never have a purpose for it because I don’t have lint on my things. WRONG. I apparently have double the amount of lint that I thought I had and have already effortless removed lint from jacket arms, bed sheets, sweaters and pants. I don’t know if you’ve used yours yet, but all the lint rolls itself into a nasty little ball at the end of the process which just adds to its mysticism.

Item: Night In the Woods || Feeling: Holy Mow

Poster

In the last couple of months, my roommate and I split the funds to purchase a PS4. If you recall though, my hand is a mess and therefore the conventional games do not really apply to me even though I enjoy watching them. This game, however, is gimp friendly. It’s a small game about a being a cat. You get to jump around and do cat things, and may or may not be a college dropout with the social troubles of daily life. It’s a really fun game that I got really immersed in. Is that because it’s the first game I’ve played in a year or more? Maybe. But it’s also very well written and draws you into the plot easily. It is also easy and great for people with no thumbs. I would honestly highly recommend. Apparently there’s even a version that can be played on the computer, so it is not based on whether or not you own a PS4.

Item: Melatonin || Feeling: Chelso was right

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I remember long ago you had me try some of this stuff before we all went to sleep. I had never tried it at the time and thought that it was okay. Nothing incredible, but I also never really had sleeping issues at that time. Now that I’ve developed sleeping issues like the rest of the world, I have purchased my own bottle because Chelso you were so right. I just want to rub in how right you were because you were so right it helps you sleep so well. It’s also apparently gluten free.

On a side note, a coworker of mine try to implicate that my gluten issues may be imaginary.

I expect to have a video from you soon!

Sparkles and Rainbows,

Maryanne

Not the Mow We Want, but the Mow We NEED

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Dear Chelso,

There was a lady with this bomb-ass beard bag. But even better, she brought her two cats on the train this past Monday. As you can kind of make out, she is just cuddling that kitten and cradling it in her arms. At some point though she apparently needs to do something – so she just plops the kitten down on top of the sleepy orange cat there – and they just curl up into each other and continue to nap on this loud and crowded train.

I’ve only been riding this train for about two months now, and I’ve seen and experienced so many strange things. Today, my coworker and I stared at this fully furnished wheelchair sitting in the isle for most of the trip home. It had a dirty pink cushion and a pint of opened Sprite all propped up on it. Who walked away from their wheelchair? Did they lose it? Did a miracle occur? Did they wander off the train and now there’s someone somewhere trying to make their way back to this chair? Was someone trying to donate an extra chair to this crowded train? Is it a bomb in disguise? All of these questions were only partially answered when a man from a different seating area only accessible by stairs, wearing all camouflage, just as dirty as the pink cushion, grabbed the wheelchair and rolled it off with him.

After the man left with his wheelchair, I overheard a guy loudly complain that he’s 30 and therefore working for a living and that he was disgruntled with people were always mistaking him for a student. No one can recognize how old he is. The guy he was talking to was like, “just wait until you’re my age!” 30-yr-old says “50?”

“Oh! You flatter me I’m 58 this year.”

30-yr-old: “Well I mean it, it’s not like you’re a girl that I’m trying to take on a date.”

I hope you don’t mind me forcing these stories on you, but I am just somehow always more surprised and impressed than the time before. Look forward to your next creations!

Mow

Things That I Had Feelings About

Dearest Chelso Mow,

I loved your post so much, and was genuinely enlightened at the list of words we only use the inverse of. Please please please provide the entire list eventually. Your post brought me much joy to my day. I hope you are doing well, my week has been an odd battle of my mentors deciding how I should do my work because I am getting situations that are breaking the very rules that our work sits on. Also my cat literally left poop on everything today and the lady that is in charge of my apartment complex came to inspect our apartment while everything was covered in cat poops. Somehow the world keeps turning.

This post I decided to once again to draw inspiration from “The Bloggiest Blog That Ever Bloggity Blogged” and review physical products that I feel like reviewing. Let us begin.

Item: Detox Patch || Feeling: Okay at Best

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The whole point behind these patches are to help detox through the bottom of your feet over night. I bought them on a whim since I enjoy the idea of detoxing and sometimes flirt with the idea of becoming a healthy human. They smell like a campfire pit, but honestly I felt pretty awesome in the morning after I used them. When you place them on at night they are crisp and white. But upon peeling it off in the morning, the pads look slimy and brown. Maybe it was placebo or maybe there was something to it (despite finding a few sites that said it was all a chemical reaction), but I felt energetic and clear-headed for the day. Drawbacks? These little shits practically tattoo the campfire pit smell into your skin. Its in the socks and your feet. You think a little wash will help anything? WRONG. Try washing desperately five times with no results. Thank god I tried these on for the first time in a hotel room, otherwise my apartment would be the one to reek of charcoal for all eternity. I had to bleach my socks I wore that trip to get the smell out. Conclusion, the patches may or may not slightly help your physical state; however, they will make everything smell like a campfire forever.

Item: Hello toothpaste || Feeling: Looks Nice

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This was a whimsical purchase where I had determined that a regular toothpaste was not appealing enough visually and that I needed a prettier toothpaste to stare at every day in my bathroom. My parents have always been into organic and natural, so the stevia for flavor and “natural” ingredients in the advertising drew me in. The flavor is a lot like a tic tac and is overall an alright product. I don’t feel like I’m getting the full blast of cleaning that any average toothpaste would provide me, but it does the job and has the consistency of lotion. I enjoy it, but I’m not sure if I will pursue this product the next time I am in the market for toothpaste. They had an option of one without flouride, but figured that would be closer to a renaissance feeling of merely using some twigs and chalk to clean my teeth.

Item: Matcha Tohato Caramel Corn || Feeling: Fear and Love

This item I bought with you Chelso Mow last time I visited. I tell you though, it took me on a wild ride of emotions. I was already having a roll down the hill of food shame that day (two desserts kind of day) and was not quite done with eating when I grabbed this bag I found at the back of my cupboard. I chomp on some and discover that this is so incredibly delicious! I never figured that green tea and caramel corn could be a lovely marriage of flavors, but it absolutely can as it turns out. Then I look on the back to see what I’m getting into here after eating almost the entire bag, and nearly have a heart attack after looking at the amount of servings in the bag. If you can see in the above picture, it says 1.9 servings. However, at first glance it looked like 19. I almost crapped myself at the idea of eating 3,110.3 calories in one little bag of delicious corn puffs. Peeling back the label reveals that the entire back is 316.5 calories and not the terrible amount I had started to imagine.

Item: Olay facewash and facewash applicator thing || Feeling: Weird

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Now why would this item be found in the clearance isle? I haven’t the faintest idea but I was convinced that this would be worth my time. The process is to put the goo on the applicator and turn the applicator onto vibrate and then put it on your face. I did this and it’s an awkward process. The next morning I promptly had two extra pimples on my face. Perhaps I didn’t use a toner on my skin afterwards or perhaps this product is just not for my skin type, but it did not work out for me.

I hope you enjoyed my reviews. I don’t know why I have any of these products but I had a fun time judging them. Please share more stories and Go Pro pictures!

–Maryanne Mow

Where in the World is Chelso

Hello Ms. Mow,

I have about a half hour to kill so i figure I would post.

My week has been busy, travelling and what not, but I will do my best to provide you with a wee bit of entertainment.

I am writing at a Starbucks, that has a password… don’t tell anyone but the password is “starbucks”. Tricksters. So I figured this post would just be mainly about the dumb thoughts I’ve had lately. The kind that trickle in, and go away before ever getting shared.

There are a lot of words that we use the opposite of, but not the root word:

Conspicuous

Evitable

Veinous

I have about twenty of them, but I can’t find my notebook where I wrote them down. So there is three for now.

Another conundrum I had this week: 

Does it make me immature or old, that I considered buying vans for 45 minutes because I like the idea of a shoe i don’t have to tie

Burning Life Questions:

Why do my finger nails on my ring finger grow so long suddenly over night?

Things Worth Buying: 

This is just a small list of things that I think I worth purchasing when a product is needed.

Need a camera? 

Get a Gopro.

I bought one for my trip, and although pricey I have had so much fun with it. I plan to make all sorts of weird videos and awesome pictures. The quality is rad as fuck, and its Chelsea-proof. I don’t think I could destory it unless I tried. There’s something magical about that.

Need a heat protection spray for your hair?

Get Tresemme Heat Protector

They sell it at target and it is the best one I’ve used by far. I’ve tried a lot of these over the years, and my hair doesnt like most of them. It gets filmy, or frizzes really bad after a couple of hours. My hair is super straight and its been three days. My hair normally doesn’t stay straight for more than a night.

At Starbucks? 

Get the Cascara Latte.

It is delicious, and is naturally sweet. it doesn’t have a lot of calories especailly if you get with anything aside from whole milk.

Now time for two random anecdotes: 

When I was on the plane, some weird guy, after doing the awkward “in my way dance” decided to flirt with me instead of letting me into the bathroom. Nothing is more unappealing to taken person that a weird guy on a plane hitting on her instead of letting her pee.

When I was riding the subway, I had a crazy lady with glitter on her eyelids yell at me in a different langauge while shaking a pearl bracelet. She was yelling something to the effect of “cookie choco cookie cookie choco” while pointing up.

I really wanted more for you, and I will have plenty when i am back safe and sound in the states, but here you go!

Remember that you are a mighty mow, that can defeat anything that stands in her way! 

– ChelsMow

Google Search: Travel Cow

RE:ATTENTION:URGENT

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Dear Chelso Mow,

Upon careful review of your request, I would like to come to an agreement that it is in fact the best idea ever. We have both slacked and I think this is a great way to get the ball rolling again. I am also privy to YouTube idea I would love to have YouTube channel together. I tried to think of a way to widen the span of punishments as I love the idea of making videos as a punishment. However, upon a lot of thought I realized yours 1. does not spend any money 2. use body if injured 3. put pressure on other participant to creatively think of punishment and have them feel bad for being bad guy 4. doesn’t require a lot of prep 5. still deters. It’s truly artistic how well you crafted this and I want you to know how thoroughly I admire it.

We may need to adjust official posting schedule. Although I think I’m still fine with Mondays.

Chelso Mow I look forward to this new arrangement. May the posting begin!