Why Isn’t Thinking the Same as Doing?

If I could invent anything, it would be some sort of machine or mystical force that turned thinking about doing something into a completed task.

If that machine, or magic fairy was captured, I would be the most successful person ever. This is really a long preface to me saying, “SORRY, I KNOW I NEED TO DO THE PODCAST.” I literally think about doing it daily. Getting my ass to do anything is difficult lately. Just reading your post about excercising exhausted me, and reassured my decision to sleep for an extra two hours instead of going to the gym.

I like to lie to myself, and say that I do not have enough time to do things. This is a lie because I have plenty of time, if I cared to manage it. Some people do not know how to manage their time, I know how, I’m just too lazy to do it. I’m working on this. Sort of.

I got burned out at some point. I think when Chris left for Korea, I just kind of sputtered out. I didn’t have time to curl up in a ball and die. I needed that time. So I’ve been driving around on half empty. I’m not sure if its ever filled up. Life is moving too fast, but its not going by quickly.

Things feel like they are happening to me, and I do not have control over any of it. I know in some ways you are in the same boat. Arguably, a scarier boat. I admire how you are handling it. I know you probably have moments where you break down, but you still seem so upbeat and I am envious, and am doing my best to emulate.

I’m trying to find little things that make my day, A week ago it was rain. It rained for maybe an hour, but it changed my day. I think I belong somewhere with weather, as much as California is home, I don’t think it is forever.

More outside time is key. But it’s hot. As much time as I’ve spent making fun of people who think Seattle and Portland are their promise land, I’m starting to think maybe they are right. I need trees and I need weather. Maybe I need a lobotomy.

I’ve been trying to make positive changes in my diet. Because I eat like a homeless person, I eat what is cheap and whatever I can get my hands on. I’ve mostly given up soda. I get one soda a week, on either Saturday or Sunday. I am not trying to give up bread and cheese. I think I have a cheese allergy. I think my lactose intolerance is legitimately turning into a lactose allergy. I need to go to the doctor, and do my bloodwork.

Despite my unhealthy focus on my losses, I have had some victories. My adversary has been Mercury in retrograde. Mercury has been my nemesis becaue my life is all about paperwork. All the time. In order to do my DEERS paperwork so Chris could get his pay and I could get closer to getting out of here, I had to go submit my documents. Based on the amount on confusion I caused with DEERS employees over the phone, you would think that I was the only military dependent that wants/has a career.

I confused this poor simple minded fellow at the office down the street. He asked me in utter disbelief, not once but FOUR times, if I was with Chris or if I was in South Korea, and subsequently why I was calling him if Chris was in Korea. His ignorance, stupidity, inability to process complex thoughts fueled the creation of a paradox, which made it so it was impossible for him to help me. It looked like this:

The reason I had contacted the office (ran by the village idiot Eric), was so that I could submit my documents. Eric stated that he could not help me unless I had documents submitted. The very documents I was trying to submit. There was a long silence on the phone before I said, “So let me get this straight, in order to submit my documents, I have to already have to have the documents submitted.” There was a pause, and he said, “Yep. Uh huh.”. We then said our goodbyes. I had Chris call to confirm he was an idiot. It took Chris longer to get a hold of Eric then to confirm mental incompetence.

The problem with Eric’s stupid was that he is the only local person who can access what I need to do. I was going to say “help me” but due to his low IQ he was never going to be able to help me. The next place was about 40 miles away and 1.5 hours away in traffic. My schedule is busy, and this would ordinarily be a pain but there were further constrictions. I needed my documents submitted on Friday. I found out Eric was an idiot on Thursday.  The next place located in some Los Angeles city with a stupid name, that I have just renamed “Los Llamaland” luckily had walk in hours from 8am-11am. The problem was I have class from 9am to 11am.

By some stroke of luck my class decided that they were going to start at 10am. Which meant in order to make it to class I had to be in an LA city by 8am, along with the rest of Southern California.  On paper it was meant to be a complete disaster. I came to terms with that. However, I was optimistic because I needed it to work. I had to make it work. Apparantly this attitude made Mercury behave itself. I was only met with kindness. The lady working there was a one woman machine riddled with efficiency. She didn’t laugh at my jokes, but she was kind enough and didn’t even blink at my singleness. I got there at 8:15, I was in my car on my way to class by 8:28. Fuck you Mercury. I even had time for Starbucks.

At Starbucks I met an older gentle man who had some sort of disability. His favorite thing was to go to starbucks and drink the unlimited free iced coffee, and talk to everyone who came in. I sat down with a bagel and waited for my drink.

He turned and looked at me and said, “No coffee today Ma’am?”.

I informed her that I had ordered coffee I was just waiting.

He said, “Sometimes it takes a while.”

I said, “That’s ok, its busy.”

A moment later they called my name, so I started grabbing my bagel. He looked at me and said, “Are you Chelsea?”

I said, “Yes.”

He said. “Oh Chelsea your coffee is ready.”

I said. “Thank you, that was fast.”

He said. “Yep, Have a good day Chelsea.”

I said, “You too Sir.”

 

I don’t know why but that conversation made my day. Maybe my week. Simple human kindness and politeness is a very underrated trait. That is something that I am thinking about doing, and wish it could just be done. I want to be kinder because that is something I know I am capable of. Everything else in my life is a maybe, but being kind is oddly tangible and achievable. It takes practice. The nice thing about it is that thinking about being kind actually makes it easier to do kind things. There was my rambling for the week. I know its early, but I wanted to get all this out before I forgot. Here are some random pictures of Mercury:

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