PanQuake

Hello Ms. Mow,

 

“PanQuake”

*not to be confused with pancakes, or pancakes so delicious they have you “shook”.

 

This week I decided I wanted us to make up words. The only guideline being that it has to be something that we experience, or see daily that doesn’t have a succinct word. This week I suffered from “PanQuakes”. What is a panquake? Let me tell you.

 

Panquake (pronounced pan-kweIk) is the sensation of when the anxiety of having a problem continues after the issue has been resolved.

 

The word panquake was formed due to the strong comparison that can be made between an earthquake and anxiety (panic). Anxiety makes you feel like your world is shaking; an earthquake is only different because the world is actually shaking.

 

Earthquakes after commonly have what is called an aftershock. Because you are Arizonian through and through, I will enlighten you. An aftershock is a smaller tremble that happens a little while after the initial quake. However, it is not always smaller. Sometimes, it is actual worse and more devastating.

 

In my experience, this is the same with anxiety. More often than not, my anxiety and stress over a problem continues well after the initial ground-shaking incident.

 

For example, the other day I was panicking that I had missed an important assignment for a class. I emailed my professor, and waited. The waiting of course was a very anxious time for me, where I had no control over my little universe. A few hours later, my professor got back to me. I had missed the assignment, but as long as I sent it by Friday he would accept the assignment. Mind you this is Monday. I was going to send it the second I got home. I knew everything was fine, but I panicked all the way home. My anxiety swelled inside me, and I had full blown heart palpitations. This wasn’t even a big assignment, and I had fixed it. The anxiety even continued after I sent it. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I kept thinking, maybe something else would come up or change. Nothing did. My professor responded with one word, “Thanks”.

 

Ultimately, I knew it was my anxiety. I could feel how unrealistic my panic was but I couldn’t stop, I had no control. I just had to let the feeling roll over me, and hope nothing fell apart. (Is my earthquake metaphor heavy handed enough?)

 

You can’t always predict an earthquake, nor a panquake.

Make sure you keep 3 gallons of water, and some peppermint tea. To keep you calm.

 

Please make up your own word, Ms. Mow. I look forward to it.

The End of My Failure. Oops

So, I totally fell off the wagon. I blame the bumpy road called shame. So after I had taco bell, I had two chicken egg rolls, weird chicken nuggets, and a cherry turn over.

The next day I had a pumpkin spice latte, again. Another Cherry Turnover..(I have a problem.) I then had Pho for dinner.

I don’t remember what I had after that but it wasn’t good for me. Whatever it was it was bad and greasy.

I definitely did not work out.

So… to satisfy the requirment I will tell you what I had yesterday. It did not get better. I may as well live in a vending machine.

Yesterday: I had Del Taco: I had a del beef burrito and a chicken quesadilla, and a giant gatorade. Later I had I think five “brownie bites”, easy mac, fruit snacks, and another one of those gross sippy smoothie things.

Today: I had a pumpkin spice latte ( a venti) after already having one cup of coffee that was mostly creamer. I also had a plain bagel with cream cheese. For lunch I had a salad, from costco which was only 280 calories. Then in class it was our professor’s birthday, and someone brought cake. So I ate it without shame. I had the first slice. I am an animal.

It is no surprise…. I wrote this over a week ago and it deleted half of what i was saying. Ultimately I got sick again, but I survived it. This is sub par, but i wanted to post something. I also typed in “Fail Cat” into google images. I was in class but people were staring at me, or it felt like they were. I didn’t see any of these up close. So here you go.

 

The Final Day of Sin

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Day 7 – Saturday:

This was truly a finale in regards to being an awful person and spending a lot of money on being an awful person. The day started out as usual with my attempts of being reasonable with food by eating two eggs on gluten free toast and black coffee. This was followed by a lunch of chicken salsa mix with half of an avocado. Sounds almost healthy, right?

Then we grabbed an Uber and shuffled over to Oktoberfest – where I immediately got a cider. Loud country music was playing and the place was filled with drunk college kids. Cider was quickly followed by a bratwurst covered in mustard along with flavored potatoes and sauerkraut. I’ve never had sauerkraut in my life but lied that I had a lot when I was a strange lying 8th grader. Now that I’ve officially had it, the taste was good like a heap of pickles. I really love pickles though so sauerkraut was fine.

My eyes got filled with stars when we all noticed that fair rides were at the festival and Toni, Aaron and I immediately bought $25 pass for unlimited rides. The first thing that caught my eye was a spinning ride that flipped upside down and had bright lights. It was called Spin Out, and much like a bird attracted to a shiny thing I ran up and sat in one of the empty seats. Once the ride started the first thing out of my mouth was: “Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?” The picture I have supplied really depicts what this ride is about.

The match of cider and pickles is not really one to be married and even less of a pair to toss around in the same space. I spent the next three rides throwing up next to the ride while I held all the things. I finally got my composure after the third ride I “watched” and demanded we all go on a Ferris Wheel because I had never gone on one before and I had bought my $25 unlimited wristband, damnit. The line had become insane because the festival was finally picking up pace around 7pm but we waited the half hour and got on it. It was gorgeous and terrifying. I did not know how scary Ferris Wheels are they shake and you’re trapped for like 20 minutes in this small bucket with like one bar that goes across you to keep you “safe.” But I accepted that this was going to be the end of me and it was a gorgeous night to be in the air.

Toni and I got on this ride only kids were getting on but was definitely not as “kiddy” as it appeared. I got nauseous again but not as bad because there was no more pickles and cider in my belly. So to gain some composure – Aaron and I shared an ice cream bowl covered in espresso and debated what to do with the rest of the night. We discovered we wanted to Ferris Wheel one more time and got back into the larger line. It took twice as long to get onto the ride but we watched several shrimpy men and massive men win the strength game where they smash the scale with the mallet. After the Ferris Wheel I figured it was a perfect ride to end our time at Oktoberfest and was heading out when I realized I had become hungry from having emptied out my stomach from the first ride. So on the way out I ate another brat and a pickle.

Chelso I have learned that if I go to the fair and want to actually enjoy any of the rides I need to not eat or drink beforehand. I also learned that you need to get on the Ferris Wheel when you first get to the fest because it will be lots of time and energy if you prolong it at all. Thirdly, I am definitely a pig. I ran a mile today in hopes of combatting the inner pig in me. I loved doing this with you Chelso and I hope you enjoyed reading my struggles just a little.

 

Day 5 & 6

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I’m glad that we have done this Chelso, as I have been lying to myself believing that I have been being a good Mow since I have stopped Whole30. Writing it all down has been horrible proof. It has also been proof that without a schedule I am a mess. Apparently I need structure.

Thursday Day 5:

As the bank had put the wrong apartment name, I had to scramble to get a new cashiers check with the correct name on it. I rushed over there before breakfast and got there right after the internet told me they opened. The internet was wrong though and we were there a half hour before they really opened – so we cruised over to the hipster palace of coffee shops and I got an iced Americano in order to be frugal with both calories and money. It still ended up being almost $4 so I really should’ve just given in an got the pumpkin spice latte (this place is to hipster they don’t even have prices listed on their menus).

I returned home a monster and Toni let me have two of her gluten free pumpkin waffles. I put eggs on top of each and covered them in maple syrup it was delicious Chelso. I didn’t even feel that bad for doing it because the 2 waffles were only 200 calories. Video game watching was resumed once more while I did hand exercises and for lunch I had this spinach souffle microwaveable meal. It was not very good but it was also only 200 calories and pretty nutritious so I worked through it.

Around 6 I rose to the occasion and went for a yoga class. It is a class that always promises stress relief and a workout so it’s my favorite. I’m never flexible enough for any of the other classes. This one is just right for my incredibly stiff ligaments. I dedicate the workout to you Chelso as I would have not otherwise.

Dinner was a trip to the Whole Foods salad bar and I was under the impression that I had actually been really good all day when a faint memory came back to me of earlier. As I had briefly attacked my closet in hopes of organizing a bit – I came across my bag of swedish fish I had brought back from my work drawer and absolutely took two hefty handfuls out and stuffed them down. Just a midday helping of a lot of sugar. I even felt slightly feverish afterwards and was confused why. Combined with breakfast I was a little bit ashamed but was hopeful that yoga helped balance out the day.

Friday Day 6:

Started off the same with egg and toast for breakfast. I could clearly feel the ants in my pants and knew that there was no way an ounce of productivity was going to occur if I tried to stay home and do things, so Toni and I decided to change things up and be like our past student selves and go to the library to facilitate a work environment. But of course it was almost noon so we could not deprive ourselves of some sort of lunch and headed for the local brewery in downtown that we could share a massive pile of nachos. I was quickly seduced by their strawberry cider and convinced myself that surely a cider will help me with confidence to start applying. Maybe it did aid in confidence maybe it didn’t, but it did insert another helping of fermented sugar drink into my body to wash down the amazing short ribs and and cheese combination my poor guts were trying to digest.

I did actually work on resume at the library and briefly wondered how much you could figure out about a person if you watched them work on their resume in a public setting. We spent two hours there and then made our way over to Target to see if they had a few things we needed. It was here, Chelso, that I finally remembered that I need to replace my lumpy pillow and bought a nice pillow. So when you visit next time I actually have a nice pillow for you to use instead of the sad selection I had before. My brain never realized it could buy pillows I had never seen a pillow thrown away I guess.

But that was the end of my productivity and for the rest of the day I binge watched Broad City with toni and ate chocolates from Trader Joes in the shapes of pumpkins. For the record, none of the chocolates were actually pumpkin flavored.

Chelso this week of sinning has been very much full of sin. As today is the final day, I am certain it will also be bad as we are going to the Oktober Fest later. Many sausages and ciders are in my future. This has been quite an eye opening experience Chelso, and I have come to terms that I have been blatantly lying to myself thinking that I’ve been healthy.

 

Day 4

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I’m trying to be good and incorporate protein into most of my meals so that I’m not loading up on carbs and sugars. My mornings tend to be stronger than my evenings it seems. I started off with my regular eggs and toast (it was something I had only on the weekends during work – now I can’t seem to get enough!). I also found some tiny potatoes my mom had sent with me for the salmon pinwheels and munched on them in order to “finish them up.” Once again I then resumed to my couch gnome duties and watched as Toni finished the game I probably would never be able to play again. But I’m satisfied with this fate if I get to watch her work through them. We have reduced ourselves to some Folgers coffee in the meantime because we are not above it and are hopeful that it will drive us to leave the world of unemployment.

Around noon I got off my butt and ate at this nearby place that has super yummy cheap Mexican food. I had two loaded tostadas and crawled back to my dungeon again afterwards. As my room became a massage studio and I waited for the rest of the rent to be provided, I kept myself busy by doing my hand exercises and cleaning up. That’s practically exercise, right?

I did do some hiking at the end of the day and prior to that got rent and the groceries, but I couldn’t get these things done without stopping at the coffee shop in the same plaza as the bank. I also couldn’t leave the coffee shop without a pumpkin spice latte because theirs reminds me of how Starbucks pumpkin spice frappuccino used to be before they changed the formula years ago. I would’ve asked for a stack of whipped cream on top but this place is too hipster for whipped cream. Last time I made the mistake of requesting for some on my pumpkin spice latte and the kid said, “no.” I asked if they were out or something and he goes, “sweetie, we don’t ever have any.” Don’t call me sweetie small hipster.

This place also has open mic poetry nights and I’ve been hilariously tempted by the idea.

I then finished off my night after the hike with panic-eating cashews, gluten free pretzels and chocolate wafers. When left to my own devices it appears that most of my dinners turn into a collection of snacks. I’m also really amused that you have taken on Taco Bell despite all of your internal warnings against it. I’m also intrigued that even at 26 I have no idea how to portion control.

Today has started off pretty bad but I’m hopeful to make up for it later. Send me luck!

 

Day 3 and 4 “Days of Shame”

I was a very very very very bad Mow.

I decided to do 3 and 4 due to the food I just inhaled, I need to post before the shame and threat level take me. Granted I deserve it.

Yesterday started off with a cup of coffee (plenty of creamer and a little cinnamon sugar) half a pumpkin bagel smothered in cream cheese and this weird fruit paste. It was called “Shine”, and it may have been some kind of organic beauty product. It was thick and kind of crunchy and came in the weird baby food pouches.

For lunch I continued to be bad. I had panda express. I got a two entree, I had orange chicken and mushroom chicken and ate every bite. Chow mein and rice were also present, but I only ate half (because dieting).

Then I hate 3/4 of a bag of  sweet chilli pistachios. They were delicious.

For Dinner I had a heaping bowl of spaghetti. Yep. Then heartburn.

That concluded my eating.

I went to the gym and had a decent run/walk.

It wasn’t a totally horrible day but it wasn’t good.

This morning I repeated my breakfast from yesterday.

Unfortunately I sort of forgot about this for a little while and let myself succumb to the worst of the worst… I just binge ate taco bell.

I haven’t ever really been able to eat taco bell, but I stopped eating it all together in 2013. Recently, I have slowly been reintroducing it back in my life. I’m not really sure why. But sometimes I see a taco bell commercial and I just want to be a cool kidz.

I ate dorito taco, a crunch wrap supreme, and nachos. Oh yeah with a pepsi. I also ate it while I was in bed. Oddly, I’m not having a bad day, I just wanted it, and its cheap. I need to get my shit together, haha but that is going to be hard after eating taco bell.

If I eat anymore tonight I will surely post it with my next round. I doubt I’ll be doing much eating, my body is going to die.

Fun Fact, I always type what i’m going to search before I actually search it. Today I am going to type in Bad Kitty, and hope nothing pornographic pops up:

Day 3?

drinking-cat

I started off strong and ended on a weak note. I’m just kidding the entire day was bad.

I woke up at 8:30 and made myself some eggs and gluten free toast. It was a step down from the fluffy delicious Glutinos english muffins, but was probably a step up for my gut. I failed to be productive though, and instead sat down briefly to watch Toni play video games. Several hours later I was still doing this. I did manage to post and do hand exercises. I even took a break at lunch and made myself a plateful of double helping of salmon pinwheel. I made sure to eat it all at once to: 1. Make sure I ate it all in case it was the cause of my threat level midnight from the night before and 2. Be sure I ate it all because I’m a pig.

Sure enough, the salmon was the cause.

I did recover in time for dinner though – and went to this restaurant that is known for it’s pastry dishes. Since this is not an option for me – I got their sausage salad. It is almost a joke to call it a salad as this thing is practically all cheese and meat with a small bed of greens. I then draped the entire meal in their homemade ranch because it is really good ranch. I have no illusions of this being a healthy meal. But the real reason I suggested we go to this restaurant is that they have $2 ciders on tap on Tuesdays. The cider on tap currently is Pumpkin Spice and it is incredible because I’m incredibly basic. So I drank because I have nowhere to be in the morning and I filled my belly with sausage and fermented sugar water (2 of these).

I was a bad Mow and I’m hopeful today is not such a tragedy. One day of self pity is enough right?

You’ve also inspired me to maybe do Yoga this week. Maybe. But the fact that I’m debating it at all I will contribute to your post. I’m also hopeful your yesterday was more productive than mine. But I look forward to finding out!

Day 2.

I, by no means, should be able to call myself an adult.

Also, on Day 1 I had a pumpkin spice latte with almond milk from starbucks. I still got whipped cream, because lactose intolerance doesn’t include whipped cream.

Day 2 also began with a Pumpkin spice latte. This time I didn’t pretend that I care about my body. I got nonfat milk and whipped cream, and decided to deal with the consequences. Because of my poor eating habits from the day before, I decided to start the day with something hardy. I ordered an everything bagel with cream cheese. I love everything bagels. While the guy was ringing me up, I noticed he put in multi-grain bagel. (I don’t like multigrain or wheat bagels). I decided not to correct him because I don’t care that much, and we were having a pleasant conversation. He helps me daily, and I didn’t want him to think he messed up. Me, thinking I was being polite, ended up causing some trouble. Apparently, I got the last multi-grain bagel. The person in the drive thru wanted a multi-grain but ran out. Also, the lady behind me wanted multi-grain. I felt guilty because more often than not that starbucks never has the food item I want because they always run out. I realized now that I am part of that problem. In a sick way, everyone wanting that bagel made me enjoy it a little more, but at the end of the day it was a dry and flavorless bread flavored cream cheese serving apparatus.

For “Lunch” I went with Francisco to Quizonos. My stomach was still weird, and full from my coveted bagel, so I decided to bypass the sandwich and get more starbucks. This time I got a sparking sangria whatever beverage and a very old banana. My options were Green or Black. I chose black. So I really got half of a banana. I picked at it, like a microwavable meal that I didn’t pick out at the store;I ate the good parts and threw away the rest without much thought.

About an hour later, I got hungry. Very hungry. But my stomach was kind of upset, so I bought a sparkling water and twizzlers. I ate them all in less than five minutes.

I had Jersey Mikes for dinner. A sandwich consisting of turkey,provolone,bacon, avocado, mayo, and lettuce. I got the mini size which is about 6-8 inches long. I also ate a bag of jalepeno chips, and a large pepsi. I allow myself one soda a week. I made it count. It bit back, I had heart burn all night.

After I ate I went to Power Yoga. I usually go with Rene, but she couldn’t come last night. I felt brave enough to go by myself. It was not relaxing as I would like. The instructor was not very zen, and was getting mad at people being bad. Then she yelled at some weirdo who came in to stare at everyone. I also had a lady yell at me for being in “her spot” when she was 15 minutes late. Despite the lack of deep relaxation I sweated like a pig for an hour, and did yoga with the flexibility of a steel rod.

When I got home I ate one mini blueberry muffin for absolutely no reason. It was there, and my mouth was close enough to it. I also made some rasberry tea. I also cant remember how to spell rasberry.

In honor of me not being a real adult. Here is a picture of me, not giving any cares, looking way more mature at 10, than my diet is at 23.

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#Thuglyfe

Day 1 & 2

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I’m going to make this a combo post because I am a bad Mow. I think I will also have my seven days be based on fitness and general productivity accountability.

Day 1: Sunday

Kind of good. Kind of bad.

I woke up at my parent’s and made myself eggs on toast. My mom ran out of the usual english muffins we use and I had to instead eat these Glutino brand english muffins that look like frozen corn puffs when frozen. It turns out they’re incredible and buttery and fluffy and all I have to do is microwave it for 30 seconds Chelsea. It’s moments like eating those muffins with a nice over easy egg on top that I am positive that I am living the dream. I did avoid putting creamer in my coffee though in order to make amends for the buttery delicious english muffins.

I proceeded to actually be productive that day and go through the heaps of applications involved with losing a job. After working on those things I realized it had been a year since I waxed my car and decided to get that out of the way. Turns out I know less than I thought. I putzed over to the local hardware store and bought the nicest looking wax and came home munching on popcorn. My mom quickly turned me around on my heels and came back me to point out that finishing wax and cleaning wax are two very different items. I did, however, make sure to not exit the store the 2nd time without a 2nd bag of free popcorn. I did have enough shame at the end to give my dad the last half of the 2nd bag.

The next two hours were used to clean and wax and vaccuum my car and bring it back to a presentable state. The labors of owning a white car. It felt like a workout after I was finished, and proceeded to get back to application process and munch on a bag of cashews.

After shopping – I drooled as my mom made my favorite meal: salmon pinwheels. I don’t know if I forced you to have some Chelso – but it’s salmon rolled up and baked with cream cheese in the middle. My mom only reserves it for “special occasions,”but tends to make it almost every time I visit these days. I would not mark my bimonthly visit that much of a special occasion – but I am certainly not going to stop her. I definitely had seconds of this very rich meal and have no regrets. None.

I lazily spent the rest of the night watching TV with my mom while I worked on physical therapy exercises for my hand.

Day 2: Monday

Worse than Sunday by a good deal.

I was supposed to wake up early and visit my dad and my favorite teachers on Monday but definitely woke up at 9am. I was also supposed to leave and head back to Phoenix by noon. By the time I was done with showering and making myself another helping of over easy eggs on buttery, fluffy, warm Glutino muffins – it was already 10 and my mom was going to come back for lunch around 11. I tried to be a little productive and dug through my closet there to find stuff to unpack and other stuff to get rid of.

For lunch I absolutely had two more helpings of salmon pinwheel leftovers. It was around this time that I noticed that I was nauseous and had an awful headache. I put back together the closet and packed up and prepared to get out of town. It was definitely around 3pm and I felt awful so I laid down and melted some before my mom found me and gave me medicine and tea. This somehow did the trick because after I got up and snacked a ton for dinner (turkey jerky and microwaved buttery, fluffy and delicious english muffins are nutritious, right?) I was ready to leave. 8pm, pretty much the same as noon.

But that turned into it’s own adventure due to hitting threat level midnight a half hour before I turned into my apartment complex. I was nearly all sweat by the time I got home, speeding but trying not to speed too much because I feared what would happen in my car if any more time was delayed.

Thankfully I made it home and two candles later the coast was cleared.

So my two days weren’t awful, but I definitely slacked on the second day and didn’t even do any physical therapy exercises. So I have to make up for that today. I probably need more raw cacao beans in my life at this current time, maybe take some cold showers and yoga in bed.

Look forward to your post Chelso!

Day 1

Well, It could have gone worse.

I started the day with a mile walk, because I had to get my tire changed. My dad and I walked to an Applebees. Where some mistakes (not horrible) but mistakes happened.

First I decided to get an appetizer platter for breakfeast, because screw food roles. If I want boneless buffalo wings for breakfast instead of pancakes, that’s my business and I will force you to respect me.

The sampler came with about 6 boneless wings, and ranch dressing. Also celery that I didn’t touch because I’m not a monster. It also came with three wonton chicken tacos, filled with asian slaw. They were good, but probably not good for me.

Then I did a mile back to costco.

Applebee’s w as a bad choice because I hit threat level midnight on my ride home, and had to say a lot of prayers that I made it to the bathroom.

For “Linner”, I had a big bowl of tomato bisque. Two pieces of buttered toast, and a day old Chicken strip, that I got through half of before feeling gross.

Then I went to target, and bought a york peppermint patty. That is literally all I bought. I stood in line for 5 mintues, for a piece of candy…

I also went to the gym and ran/walk for about 3 miles.

I didn’t exactly have dinner, but I had 1.5 breadsticks that I dipped in spaghetti sauce, and a Kinder egg from korea.

I learned I really don’t like people food. I didn’t eat that much, but I ate weird things, and could get more nutrition from 6.00 at a vending machine.

Here is what I got when I googled “not people food”: