Dear Chelso Mow

There is a homeless guy that perches by my work that I go an entire block to walk around because he wails loudly: “CAN ANYBODY HELP ME? WILL ANYBODY HELP MEEE??” He chases you with his paper cup desperately and demands for help at the top of his lungs. I honestly feel for him, homelessness does not appear to be a cake-walk. However, his tactics alarm me and I steer clear of him every day for the last two and a half months.

On that note, I was listening to a podcast today and in it they were talking about how a well-known author I did not very well known made a list of things someone can do to brighten someone else’s day. This is very productive and very positive and I appreciate the idea. I do feel like as the world needs more trolls, I would like to make a list of things that could slightly ruin someone’s day.

How to Slightly Dampen Someone’s Day:

  1. Cut them off in traffic and not think twice about it.
  2. Start a conversation with the cash register person when there’s a long line of people behind you.
  3. Leave your dirty dishes next to the sink for them to clean up. Don’t offer to help.
  4. Park like a madman and get a thrill at the idea that someone will try to park next to your park-job. Then leave after them so they look like the crazy person who started the parking nightmare.
  5. Do not even motion to stop the elevator doors from closing when a person is approaching to get in. Make sure to include some awkward eye contact.
  6. Find something about someone. Tell someone that you like how they have done it that day. Make it clear that you like it far more than any other day they’ve done it ever.
  7. Ask someone a question about themselves and then immediately do something else when they try to answer it. You don’t have time for that shit.
  8. Glue pennies to the ground faced heads up.
  9. Try to start conversations in the bathroom with people you don’t know very well.
  10. Start a sentence with: “Not to be offensive or anything, but…”
  11. Argue with someone in great detail when they are attempting to do something nice for you.
  12. Walk really slowly in a walk-way or isle.
  13. Walk really slowly across the street at a light or cross-walk.
  14. Put someone on the spot to pay for your meal. Maybe even promise to pay them back if you have a reputation of never paying people back.
  15. Hold the door open for someone when they are a decent distance away.

Chelso, I hope you like my list. I miss you but I won’t for much longer! I am excited to see you soon!

Much and many plentiful abundance of regards,



I lost my thing

Dear Chelso,

We watched the Chopped series with Ted Allen and his rugged face stubble – emphasizing the outdoorsness of a grill-off. It was everything you talked it up and more and I needed you to know this.

Right before I started to write this I decided to make my own cold brew coffee with this ground espresso that is too finely ground to actually use for espresso. I asked for it ground very fine and they practically made me a clay powder that clogs up my espresso tools every time I try to use it. I’ve been truly stumped by this stuff. However – last night as I was watching a Hulu advertisement with a cute old man talking highly about Starbucks employee life – I came up with the idea to stick the powder in a couple of those tea bags we bought at Diaso and leave it in some water overnight. Time will only tell if this is a success or not. I’m assuming it might be such a fine powder that it finds its way through the tea bags and ends up all at the bottom of the pitcher. This is what I find invigorating these days.

Chelso I loved your recommendation list and I hope I get to see your dress at some point! I personally really enjoy our reviews of things and I also enjoy having opinions about random stuff.

I recently decided that I wanted to go through my clothes and toss out a bunch of stuff I don’t wear to prep for the future move. I dumped all of my clothes in the middle of the floor and maybe worked my way through a fifth of my belongings. The remainder has been in the middle of my floor for about two weeks now. It’s definitely not the only thing hazardously left in my sick-path. It’s that moment where you wake up from your sick haze and realize how much of a mess you’ve become. I recall a similar feeling after being done with finals in college – just emerging from the chaos and noticing that somehow my life now resembles something of a tornado wreckage. I’m hopeful to get back on track this weekend. Much like my makeshift coldbrew, only time will tell.

I promise next time I’ll have something more exciting to say – but in the meantime this is all I have. You are lovely Chelso and I look forward to your next post!

Random Pile


Dear Chelso,

Im visiting my family after a week of having the plague. My stress over potentially moving and general life obstacles broke down my flimsy immune system and I came down with a terror cold. I couldn’t cover it up with medicines to at least appear normal at work so people promptly also treated me like I had the plague until I caved and went home. I was also too scared to order an uber home because I couldn’t stand the idea it might be someone who also thinks I have the plague and have them sweating about it for a 20 minute ride with me. So I took the long-ass train home.

I made brief attempts to return to work after that day, but I realized I still felt like crap and that clearly my coworkers would not be happy even if I did. So I have moved on to see my family in town for the week. On the way to my parents there is this long empty field that’s almost completely empty of shrubbery expect for one lone tree. I started to notice it in college on my travels back and forth from home and it made me hopeful sometimes. This tree somehow beat all the odds of living in this area where it must not be easy to live. Other times it made me sad cause of how lonely it looked. I acknowledge it every time I pass. I think when you picked me up from my apartment that one time to rescue me I tried to point out the tree. I have vague memories of trying to show you. But either way the recent rains have made everything beautiful and green and cows are all over the place taking advantage of the greens. Yesterday on my way to my parents the lonely tree had a cow laying underneath its shade with another cow nearby. And I know it sounds dumb Chelso and maybe it’s just sick-cold brain thinking things but seeing it brightened my whole day. My lonely tree was being visited.

I love time with family though and I’m prepared to have a fun weekend now that the stressful decisions are finally over for the moment. Thank you so much Chelso for helping me out at the end there, I was about to lose my marbles and once again your words brought me assurance and guidance.

Sorry this post is just random but I’m just swimming in cold medicine induced thoughts. For example, I think I finally figured out what the psychic lady meant when she asked if I was a Scorpio and I said no I’m a Leo and she said I should always be more Leo. I always wondered if she was putting down scorpios or if my energy was like the negative aspects of one or something. But this morning I woke up and realized she meant I should just be myself the best I can instead of being a shittier version of something else.

Chelso good luck with school as always I look forward to seeing this punishment video! I’m anxiously awaiting it.


Reviewing More Things

Dear Chelso,

Today, sitting on the train I saw a guy that looked like the guy I knew from work get on it to ride to work. I realized that I had seen him many times on the train but because I had only recently met him – I did not realize it until that moment. It seemed like such a fascinating thing to me upon realizing it, but coworkers just tried to make it weird when I attempted to bring it up. I need to join a club that discusses the mildly interesting aspects of coincidences.

As the title would imply, I have a couple of random things to review. I enjoy doing this so I hope you enjoy reading it.

Item: Daiso Lint Remover || Feeling: GOOD


This was a weird purchase when I shopped with you Chelso and I really love this little machine. I remember specifically buying this and thinking that I’d never have a purpose for it because I don’t have lint on my things. WRONG. I apparently have double the amount of lint that I thought I had and have already effortless removed lint from jacket arms, bed sheets, sweaters and pants. I don’t know if you’ve used yours yet, but all the lint rolls itself into a nasty little ball at the end of the process which just adds to its mysticism.

Item: Night In the Woods || Feeling: Holy Mow


In the last couple of months, my roommate and I split the funds to purchase a PS4. If you recall though, my hand is a mess and therefore the conventional games do not really apply to me even though I enjoy watching them. This game, however, is gimp friendly. It’s a small game about a being a cat. You get to jump around and do cat things, and may or may not be a college dropout with the social troubles of daily life. It’s a really fun game that I got really immersed in. Is that because it’s the first game I’ve played in a year or more? Maybe. But it’s also very well written and draws you into the plot easily. It is also easy and great for people with no thumbs. I would honestly highly recommend. Apparently there’s even a version that can be played on the computer, so it is not based on whether or not you own a PS4.

Item: Melatonin || Feeling: Chelso was right


I remember long ago you had me try some of this stuff before we all went to sleep. I had never tried it at the time and thought that it was okay. Nothing incredible, but I also never really had sleeping issues at that time. Now that I’ve developed sleeping issues like the rest of the world, I have purchased my own bottle because Chelso you were so right. I just want to rub in how right you were because you were so right it helps you sleep so well. It’s also apparently gluten free.

On a side note, a coworker of mine try to implicate that my gluten issues may be imaginary.

I expect to have a video from you soon!

Sparkles and Rainbows,


Not the Mow We Want, but the Mow We NEED


Dear Chelso,

There was a lady with this bomb-ass beard bag. But even better, she brought her two cats on the train this past Monday. As you can kind of make out, she is just cuddling that kitten and cradling it in her arms. At some point though she apparently needs to do something – so she just plops the kitten down on top of the sleepy orange cat there – and they just curl up into each other and continue to nap on this loud and crowded train.

I’ve only been riding this train for about two months now, and I’ve seen and experienced so many strange things. Today, my coworker and I stared at this fully furnished wheelchair sitting in the isle for most of the trip home. It had a dirty pink cushion and a pint of opened Sprite all propped up on it. Who walked away from their wheelchair? Did they lose it? Did a miracle occur? Did they wander off the train and now there’s someone somewhere trying to make their way back to this chair? Was someone trying to donate an extra chair to this crowded train? Is it a bomb in disguise? All of these questions were only partially answered when a man from a different seating area only accessible by stairs, wearing all camouflage, just as dirty as the pink cushion, grabbed the wheelchair and rolled it off with him.

After the man left with his wheelchair, I overheard a guy loudly complain that he’s 30 and therefore working for a living and that he was disgruntled with people were always mistaking him for a student. No one can recognize how old he is. The guy he was talking to was like, “just wait until you’re my age!” 30-yr-old says “50?”

“Oh! You flatter me I’m 58 this year.”

30-yr-old: “Well I mean it, it’s not like you’re a girl that I’m trying to take on a date.”

I hope you don’t mind me forcing these stories on you, but I am just somehow always more surprised and impressed than the time before. Look forward to your next creations!


Things That I Had Feelings About

Dearest Chelso Mow,

I loved your post so much, and was genuinely enlightened at the list of words we only use the inverse of. Please please please provide the entire list eventually. Your post brought me much joy to my day. I hope you are doing well, my week has been an odd battle of my mentors deciding how I should do my work because I am getting situations that are breaking the very rules that our work sits on. Also my cat literally left poop on everything today and the lady that is in charge of my apartment complex came to inspect our apartment while everything was covered in cat poops. Somehow the world keeps turning.

This post I decided to once again to draw inspiration from “The Bloggiest Blog That Ever Bloggity Blogged” and review physical products that I feel like reviewing. Let us begin.

Item: Detox Patch || Feeling: Okay at Best


The whole point behind these patches are to help detox through the bottom of your feet over night. I bought them on a whim since I enjoy the idea of detoxing and sometimes flirt with the idea of becoming a healthy human. They smell like a campfire pit, but honestly I felt pretty awesome in the morning after I used them. When you place them on at night they are crisp and white. But upon peeling it off in the morning, the pads look slimy and brown. Maybe it was placebo or maybe there was something to it (despite finding a few sites that said it was all a chemical reaction), but I felt energetic and clear-headed for the day. Drawbacks? These little shits practically tattoo the campfire pit smell into your skin. Its in the socks and your feet. You think a little wash will help anything? WRONG. Try washing desperately five times with no results. Thank god I tried these on for the first time in a hotel room, otherwise my apartment would be the one to reek of charcoal for all eternity. I had to bleach my socks I wore that trip to get the smell out. Conclusion, the patches may or may not slightly help your physical state; however, they will make everything smell like a campfire forever.

Item: Hello toothpaste || Feeling: Looks Nice


This was a whimsical purchase where I had determined that a regular toothpaste was not appealing enough visually and that I needed a prettier toothpaste to stare at every day in my bathroom. My parents have always been into organic and natural, so the stevia for flavor and “natural” ingredients in the advertising drew me in. The flavor is a lot like a tic tac and is overall an alright product. I don’t feel like I’m getting the full blast of cleaning that any average toothpaste would provide me, but it does the job and has the consistency of lotion. I enjoy it, but I’m not sure if I will pursue this product the next time I am in the market for toothpaste. They had an option of one without flouride, but figured that would be closer to a renaissance feeling of merely using some twigs and chalk to clean my teeth.

Item: Matcha Tohato Caramel Corn || Feeling: Fear and Love

This item I bought with you Chelso Mow last time I visited. I tell you though, it took me on a wild ride of emotions. I was already having a roll down the hill of food shame that day (two desserts kind of day) and was not quite done with eating when I grabbed this bag I found at the back of my cupboard. I chomp on some and discover that this is so incredibly delicious! I never figured that green tea and caramel corn could be a lovely marriage of flavors, but it absolutely can as it turns out. Then I look on the back to see what I’m getting into here after eating almost the entire bag, and nearly have a heart attack after looking at the amount of servings in the bag. If you can see in the above picture, it says 1.9 servings. However, at first glance it looked like 19. I almost crapped myself at the idea of eating 3,110.3 calories in one little bag of delicious corn puffs. Peeling back the label reveals that the entire back is 316.5 calories and not the terrible amount I had started to imagine.

Item: Olay facewash and facewash applicator thing || Feeling: Weird


Now why would this item be found in the clearance isle? I haven’t the faintest idea but I was convinced that this would be worth my time. The process is to put the goo on the applicator and turn the applicator onto vibrate and then put it on your face. I did this and it’s an awkward process. The next morning I promptly had two extra pimples on my face. Perhaps I didn’t use a toner on my skin afterwards or perhaps this product is just not for my skin type, but it did not work out for me.

I hope you enjoyed my reviews. I don’t know why I have any of these products but I had a fun time judging them. Please share more stories and Go Pro pictures!

–Maryanne Mow



Dear Chelso Mow,

Upon careful review of your request, I would like to come to an agreement that it is in fact the best idea ever. We have both slacked and I think this is a great way to get the ball rolling again. I am also privy to YouTube idea I would love to have YouTube channel together. I tried to think of a way to widen the span of punishments as I love the idea of making videos as a punishment. However, upon a lot of thought I realized yours 1. does not spend any money 2. use body if injured 3. put pressure on other participant to creatively think of punishment and have them feel bad for being bad guy 4. doesn’t require a lot of prep 5. still deters. It’s truly artistic how well you crafted this and I want you to know how thoroughly I admire it.

We may need to adjust official posting schedule. Although I think I’m still fine with Mondays.

Chelso Mow I look forward to this new arrangement. May the posting begin!

I Spent Too Long on This

Day in my current life:

On the way to work

I see a lot of stuff

I smell a lot of smells

And I try to look real tough.

My cat used to mow and wake me

Now it’s I to make her rise

To dive in traffic early

Go watch the homeless guys.

I sit and stare at numbers

Crafting stories up for each

I squawk at lots of people

Making friends much like a leech.

I’m scared to be by windows

The glass is thin as paper

An age before double panes –

Not safe in this sky scraper.

Attempting to save money,

But I always want more food

Quiet room and crinkly snack bags –

I like to set the mood.

The awkward of the restrooms

Listen to people sigh

On break I hunt for coffee

To get my caffeine high.

Aggressive elevators

With slamming kind of doors

It shakes and groans in movement

And stops for empty floors.

So homeward bound I go

Brain now made of beans

Eat dinner and stare at cat

Sleep ends my days’ routines.

I hope this gives you a peek into my new daily life. I am enjoying the newness and nuances of it and try to see the humor of it all. I also absolutely spent too long making this but I will try to make up for the time sunk cost and post again this week! I am going to go pass out now.


How to Make Friends at Work

Dear Chelso,

I hope you’ve had some time to regain strength at this point. I know that was a terrible week for you. Also, congratulations on being home owners!!! That’s amazing and I’m so happy for you.

Working in a new place has been hard to make new connections. The workplace provides a bland platform in which people can hide behind their professionalism. I have tried my best these last two weeks to blast past these set social standards and have found some headway. Here I have outlined a guide on How to Make Friends at Work:

  1. Try to make conversation while someone is trying to quickly finish getting their water or coffee. Continue to trap them with questions after they have gotten their beverage while you try to fill your own cup. If it looks like they’re trying to walk off, ask them more questions. They’re only trying to walk away because you do not look eager enough.
  2. If they have headphones in, talk to them and make gestures until they take one out of their ear and acknowledge you.
  3. Talk about meaningless stuff like the weather and expect people to be engaged on the topic.
  4. Discuss at length about your child and/or pet. Spend long periods of time looking for a picture of your beloved creature to show them. In fact, show them several pictures, they are sure to care a lot.
  5. . Comment to someone in the hallway about how their clothing choice must indicate ____ about who they are as a person. People love having to explain their choice of clothes. They also love being put on the spot.
  6. In the elevator, talk about how shaky and terrifying the elevator experience is. Being scared of elevators is not common.

I hope this list will provide a good idea on how to handle the average social interaction at work. It really charms people and they will discover your fabulous personality through the process. I’ve also been keen on making a How-To post since you posted “The Bloggiest Blog That Ever Bloggity Blogged.”Once again, congratulations on the home!! It’s going to be a journey, but once you’re on the other side it will be worth it!

Warmest Hot Steamy Regards,


New Leafs – Turning Them Over


I grabbed one of my notebooks for the first day of work and opened the first page to this glorious masterpiece. It now starts every one of my days in training on a bright note.

Four days into new job and I realize that I hate sitting in traffic. It is about an hour extra in each direction. This turns my 40 hour work week into a 50 hour work week – plus whatever extra time I need to get ready ahead of time. I know many people who have suffered this fate every work day, but I have never truly experienced it until now. I might attempt to find other ways into work like the train or something. Although, I have heard that is where all the weird people lurk. I very much miss living 8 minutes from work and will very likely need to invest in an audible account soon.

But I am learning interesting things – and the view is nice. People from all walks of life are among my colleagues and our fabulous Gemini leader is moulding us to be what we need to be. I honestly haven’t missed being in school. I don’t miss the constant guilt associated with not doing homework 24/7 and I don’t miss the financial lean on my life or losing my mind at finals. But the training situation is making me realize that I actually miss school.

The elevator freaks me out and shakes as it goes up. I’m starting to be able to spot the claustrophobic people as they will hold their breath the entire ride.

On the note of achieving my New Years resolutions – I’m pretty sure one of my ukulele strings is threatening to rip. I have learned a sing song composed of four cords. Also I am very much struggling with rhythm and will eventually have to give in to a metronome app.

I would like to mention that yesterday was the second time (the other time being at your ceremony) that I have stabbed my own hand trying to get out the pit of an avocado. Sorry that this post is short but I will have a more cohesive post next round.

P.S. – I overheard some savage today at CVS talking about how she eats baby food for snacks.