ATTENTION: URGENT

Dear Ms. Mobley,

I regret to inform you that I think we should severely increase our game. I have been assessing life, and the situations within, and I do not find them to rise to the level of being an excuse not to post. Therefore, I submit the following stipulations for review in regard to our general operation of this agreement:

 

  1. A unified punishment* will occur if the post is not within 5 business days of the scheduled post date.
  2. Posts may be done early; an early post does not change the date of the next post done.

 

*Unified Punishment

 

After careful consideration, I have developed a program to increase productivity. In order for punishment to be effective, it has to be doable, but also an effective deterrent. Here is my suggestion:

If a post is not posted within 5 business days of the scheduled post date, the late poster must FILM and ask (x)** people a question (designed by the other Mow).

 

**The amount of people

The amount of people is to be determined by the other Mow. A Mow can use her discretion and must assign a minimum of 3 and a maximum of 10.

 

Given the nature of the punishment, I also think we should develop a shared youtube account with our beautiful coveted email address. I suggest the name of Mow and Mow. I suppose the burden of creating the account should fall on whoever fails to post on time first.

 

I also feel it is best, that this rule should NOT be retroactive. In fact, I think we should wipe the slate clean and start anew.

 

This is my proposal. I look forward to hearing your thoughts soon.

 

IN OTHER NEWS:

 

You are a super cool cat.

 

 

Respectuflly,

 

Chelso Mow

 

PS: Here are some examples of “Cool Cats”

Advertisements

I Spent Too Long on This

Day in my current life:

On the way to work

I see a lot of stuff

I smell a lot of smells

And I try to look real tough.

My cat used to mow and wake me

Now it’s I to make her rise

To dive in traffic early

Go watch the homeless guys.

I sit and stare at numbers

Crafting stories up for each

I squawk at lots of people

Making friends much like a leech.

I’m scared to be by windows

The glass is thin as paper

An age before double panes –

Not safe in this sky scraper.

Attempting to save money,

But I always want more food

Quiet room and crinkly snack bags –

I like to set the mood.

The awkward of the restrooms

Listen to people sigh

On break I hunt for coffee

To get my caffeine high.

Aggressive elevators

With slamming kind of doors

It shakes and groans in movement

And stops for empty floors.

So homeward bound I go

Brain now made of beans

Eat dinner and stare at cat

Sleep ends my days’ routines.

I hope this gives you a peek into my new daily life. I am enjoying the newness and nuances of it and try to see the humor of it all. I also absolutely spent too long making this but I will try to make up for the time sunk cost and post again this week! I am going to go pass out now.

 

Things I like about Cats

Dear Maryanne,
I decided to do something ridiculous for this post; since my life is a nightmare that doesn’t end in a satisfying way, but rather me waking myself up with undiscernible noises and in a puddle of my own drool, I decided to do whatever the fuck this is about to be.

Today I was parking my car in front of my house, and I had the pleasant experience of watching the weird stray cats in the neighborhood. They are all giant, scruffy, and mean to everyone who isn’t the old lady across the street.

They always glare at me, like somehow I have personally offended them with my existence. I hate them, kind of. I also want them to like me. I try to appreciate them when I can. Today when I was pulling up, I watched a large fat hairy black one try to jump on top of a 6.5 foot wall. It wasn’t graceful, he got his stubby little arms up there, and had to drag his fat kitty butt up the wall. It took him two ties to do so. Oddly I appreciated it more, than just being a farce comedy bit. I respected that cat because he had no kitty shame. He didn’t give a fuck, that he was fat and was going to make a fool of himself. Maybe he thought no one was watching. Maybe he isn’t even aware that he is fat. Either way, I admired him for his little chubby audacity and bravery.

Yes, I am writing this instead of my homework. Oddly this was more interesting.

Another interesting tidbit is that I kind of hate writing the blog in public. Mainly because I name them something stupid every time. Everyone in this coffee shop, thinks im some weirdo with no followers (true) that wants to tell the world about why she likes cat, (still true). However, I think that they think, I’m writing about little jelly bean toes, and whiskers that grow out of eyebrows. If only they knew i was fat shaming a creature 1/2 my size. I say 1/2 because he really was a large cat.

It’s no secret I need more levity in my life (like that cat) so I hope this made you smile a little bit or something. It’s not much of a post, but its something. I figure a little peer pressure would help you out a bit. I admit that sometimes I write mine just so you might say, “wait, what, already?”

So for this week’s random picture accumulation, I decided to attach the most random pictures in my photo library. I hope you do the same. Enjoy:

 

*Kitty Face Mushroom*

Image.jpg

Hello Maryanne,

I enjoyed your post immensely. It put huge smile on my face. Mainly because I know in all those instances those people were far more uncomfortable than you. I like the idea of you making boring people suffer. Maybe that’s sick, but to quote Fall Out Boy (who no one has done since 2002) “That’s just who I am this week”.

This week will forever be known as “Satan’s Asshole”. I can gladly say that I have crowned, and am currently swimming in the cesspool abyss that is my reality. I made it through “by the hair that occasionally grows unexpectedly out of the mole on my chin”. It is behind, and I might actually catch up this weekend. I have to; I really don’t have a choice. However, I am refreshed nonetheless.

I am trying to enjoy my weekend, but school is always on the brain. It also doesn’t help that I am being guilted for leaving my kitties alone while I go try to enjoy myself. I am not going to buy, that a night of fun is worth the 4 minutes of enjoyment my cats get when I first get home.

Despite feeling refreshed I feel like this particular cat from my newly rediscovered phone game. I guess its bad that I am spending more time with virtual cats than real ones, but I don’t care. Not this weekend.

No matter what I do, I feel overwhelmed, and like I am disappointing someone. It’s a really shitty feeling, and its kind of becoming a constant for me. Sometimes I wish I didn’t go to school so close to home. They all love me, and want what is best for me, but sometimes its too much. Sometimes it is not even their fault, I just put all these fake thoughts in their heads that they aren’t even having. I would say that this is my version of Hamlet’s descent into madness, but we both know I’ve been seeing ghosts for a while now.

I hope I haven’t disappointed you. I miss you very much, and I am glad this new job has been interesting. I’m sorry it is not as fun, but I still stand by that this is a really good thing for you. I’m excited for everything on your horizon. Right now, I do not feel good about where I am. I’m trying to find the silver lining, but ultimately I need something with instant gratification. Maybe an app that tells me I’m pretty.

Now for some levity: I am kind of the weird class clown. I actually feel like the little idiot kid in every anime. The one that does deserve to be there, but their purpose is to whine and provide the occasional intentional/accidental humor usually at their own expense. Sometimes I get caught up in this, but lately I have just been telling jokes for my own enjoyment because it is what gets me through my shitty day. I am going to do my best to explain a joke, which may make it unfunny but here we go:

Anytime there is some collaborative effort, whether it be two people or a group, I think it’s hilarious how seriously people take things. It’s not just intense focus on the concept, it seeps into their emotions and personalities. I have to laugh at it, I have to, but I can’t do it in my head, because I am Chelsea. After the exercise is over, or a conclusion is reached, or I finally get to leave, I say something along the lines of the following: 

Alright, gather in team. Put your hands in. Great teamwork. I’m really proud of you all. Now go grab some orange slices. Veronica’s Mom is team mom this week so grab your oreos and capri sun. I’m out of here, see you next practice.” 

Then I attempt to leave. Someone tells me I’m funny, and I say something like: 

It scares me that lawyers think I’m funny. Probably means I’m not.” 

Sometimes the last bit is the part that gets the laugh. 

So that is how I try to get through the day. Getting through days is what I do now. However, I do have a trip to look forward to. I also bought you some things since I realized I never really gave you a christmas gift. One of these days I’ll send it to you.

Go Mow in Peace,

Chelsea 

How to Make Friends at Work

Dear Chelso,

I hope you’ve had some time to regain strength at this point. I know that was a terrible week for you. Also, congratulations on being home owners!!! That’s amazing and I’m so happy for you.

Working in a new place has been hard to make new connections. The workplace provides a bland platform in which people can hide behind their professionalism. I have tried my best these last two weeks to blast past these set social standards and have found some headway. Here I have outlined a guide on How to Make Friends at Work:

  1. Try to make conversation while someone is trying to quickly finish getting their water or coffee. Continue to trap them with questions after they have gotten their beverage while you try to fill your own cup. If it looks like they’re trying to walk off, ask them more questions. They’re only trying to walk away because you do not look eager enough.
  2. If they have headphones in, talk to them and make gestures until they take one out of their ear and acknowledge you.
  3. Talk about meaningless stuff like the weather and expect people to be engaged on the topic.
  4. Discuss at length about your child and/or pet. Spend long periods of time looking for a picture of your beloved creature to show them. In fact, show them several pictures, they are sure to care a lot.
  5. . Comment to someone in the hallway about how their clothing choice must indicate ____ about who they are as a person. People love having to explain their choice of clothes. They also love being put on the spot.
  6. In the elevator, talk about how shaky and terrifying the elevator experience is. Being scared of elevators is not common.

I hope this list will provide a good idea on how to handle the average social interaction at work. It really charms people and they will discover your fabulous personality through the process. I’ve also been keen on making a How-To post since you posted “The Bloggiest Blog That Ever Bloggity Blogged.”Once again, congratulations on the home!! It’s going to be a journey, but once you’re on the other side it will be worth it!

Warmest Hot Steamy Regards,

Mary-Mow

New Year, Tired Mow.

This year has already been one of exhaustion. I’m hanging in there, by a thread but I’m here.

Also, I recommend using a spoon to get out the pit, a little safer, and works almost as well.

I am so drained emotionally, I don’t even know what to do with all this silly homework.

You know your school schedule sucks when you look forward to learning about child support.

My life has been dramatic, and I hate it. It’s fun for a minute but then the drama gets old and boring like some shitty Bravo reality show.

The only thing more dramatic than my life, are all the people who are still whining about Trump. I get that he’s a monster, but I want to move on with my life.

I also downloaded a virus on my computer; my exact thought process?

“I’m pretty sure this is a virus” *hits download* “yep, definitely a virus”

That’s how many shits I’m giving right now.

I’ve been thinking of new years resolutions and I haven’t been very successful. The only thing, I need to do is more crazy fun things for me. I need to do more fun shit. That’s my new years resolution.

Also, I officially am a homeowner.

I am also underwhelmed by Harry Potter Land.

However, when we were on the tour tram at Universal. I watched a four year old mistake a War of Worlds set (with an obliterated airplane) as Harry Potter. Needless to say, her parents can cash in her college fund.

Spike still hates the car and yelled for 30 minutes straight each car ride I took him on.

Bartoc legimatelly missed Chris.

It’s week 2 at school, and I want to punch so many babies.

Also I think “Ew pro-lifer”. too much now because of you.

I have so much to update you on but I am so busy, I can’t even process it.

Talk to you soon,

Chelsea.

 

 

P.S. Sorry no new pictures this week.

New Leafs – Turning Them Over

img_5748

I grabbed one of my notebooks for the first day of work and opened the first page to this glorious masterpiece. It now starts every one of my days in training on a bright note.

Four days into new job and I realize that I hate sitting in traffic. It is about an hour extra in each direction. This turns my 40 hour work week into a 50 hour work week – plus whatever extra time I need to get ready ahead of time. I know many people who have suffered this fate every work day, but I have never truly experienced it until now. I might attempt to find other ways into work like the train or something. Although, I have heard that is where all the weird people lurk. I very much miss living 8 minutes from work and will very likely need to invest in an audible account soon.

But I am learning interesting things – and the view is nice. People from all walks of life are among my colleagues and our fabulous Gemini leader is moulding us to be what we need to be. I honestly haven’t missed being in school. I don’t miss the constant guilt associated with not doing homework 24/7 and I don’t miss the financial lean on my life or losing my mind at finals. But the training situation is making me realize that I actually miss school.

The elevator freaks me out and shakes as it goes up. I’m starting to be able to spot the claustrophobic people as they will hold their breath the entire ride.

On the note of achieving my New Years resolutions – I’m pretty sure one of my ukulele strings is threatening to rip. I have learned a sing song composed of four cords. Also I am very much struggling with rhythm and will eventually have to give in to a metronome app.

I would like to mention that yesterday was the second time (the other time being at your ceremony) that I have stabbed my own hand trying to get out the pit of an avocado. Sorry that this post is short but I will have a more cohesive post next round.

P.S. – I overheard some savage today at CVS talking about how she eats baby food for snacks.

Mow Years Resolutions

Dear Chelso Mow,

I loved your post on common courtesy and agree with all of your points. I had to catch myself as I started to turn around and stare at a person behind me in the line at the bank after they sneezed. My only assumption is that it is human nature to put a noise with the source as I realized how I may have been this type of savage for a long time now. However, I do understand how irksome it is to have someone stare at you after a sneeze without any form of “bless you” exchanged. So I have resolves to change this behavior.

In terms of resolutions, it is once again a new year and therefore a time to create new resolutions. I like to write them out every year and keep my lists (which I think go back to 2008??). It’s fun to compare priorities from then versus now and to see when things may have actually been achieved (I said I was going to save up for a car in 2008 and didn’t get one until 2010). Upon reviewing a past list or two – I have noticed that a couple lists say “get to 200 on Bop-It.” I have still only gotten to 186 on Bop-It, sorry 2008 and 2010 Maryanne. Once again, I rub soot in all of my dreams.

As for my 101 in 1001 days, that list will definitely remain incomplete as the due date for 1001 days is Oct 17th of 2017. I think I finished 20 or so items on that list (maybe??). It is prudent that I continue to make resolutions and lists of goals that I may or may never reach.

2017 Resolutions:

  • BE BETTER ABOUT POSTING

This one is first on the list and is very important. I hope to consider myself a reliable person by the end of this next year. Only time will tell.

  • Learn the ukulele

I have had my interest slightly peaked in terms of learning the ukulele ever since I saw you get the kit and self-learn this instrument. I have never learned any instrument of any kind (much to my father’s dismay) and have accepted that I never would. Out of the blue I have decided to take up this instrument in your name and also for the hope that I can learn something musically in some manner. 6 days into the new year and I have found a few cords, a lack of rhythm and sore fingers as my friend in this process.

  • Touch base with 120lbs

Every single one of my new years has a weight goal. If I have ever reached that weight goal – I never know when to actually check it off the list because I can’t tell when I have officially reached that weight. Is it when it’s been my weight for several weeks or do I need to hit it for several days in a row? I decided that if I even just hit it for one weigh-in  and then immediately gain weight I will have considered it a win. Really it’s fine if I never reach it but I like to keep up with traditions.

  • Get rid of box of boxes

I have a box filled with boxes after my last move and I don’t know how to utilize the remaining empty boxes but I haven’t the heart to throw them all away. I hope I get rid of it.

  • Complete KonMarie process

About a year and a half ago I started the KonMarie process of tidying up and getting rid of several of my belongings in hopes of conquering my lineage of hoarder mentality. I have completed many of the steps except for my kitchenware, nerd stuff, lecture materials and sentimental items. It would be cool if I could make it through those last areas but I’ll be more happy if I get rid of my box of boxes.

  • Complete an art piece

After my hand injury last year in September, I still have yet to get back to art. I have done a couple of doodles and I seem to be able to write again, but it would really mean the world to me if I can complete a real piece again.

  • Braces

I need them.

  • Save up emergency fund again

I like to keep a backup of 3 months worth of funds in my savings in case an emergency happens. Since the company I worked for fell apart while I was there – I have needed to use my backup savings. In case of anything like that happening again, I’d like to have a cushion to fall on so I don’t have to rely entirely on loved ones. As Taco says, a “boring” resolution. But I felt it was justified.

This year will not have a 5k marathon on it (as many other lists have) since I sprained my knee. However, I really couldn’t come up with a good way to convey having that completely healed in a goal. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear them. Chelso, let me know if you have any resolutions you will keep in mind for the new year! I always like to encourage them – they are fun to stare at later.

cats6

 

Common Courtesy… Kinda

Dear Mows,

I suppose I have been in a whiny mood, but here are my thoughts on courtesy:

Things that seem like common courtesy to me, but apparently are not:

  • Using a seriffed font. I remember distinctly the day in 6th grade where we talked about writing papers on the computer. We learned about proper MLA format. We also received a general education about computer courtesy. Like yellow was impossible to read, and black font over blue background will give you a stroke. We also learned that san-serifed fonts are more difficult to read. It turns out a lot of people do not know the difference between a seriffed font, and a san seriffed font. A seriffed font (like Times New Roman) has little lines at the end of each segment of a letter. It is hard to explain, but if you look at fonts like Arial and compare them to courier it becomes very clear. It takes your brain longer, and requires more effort to read a san serif font because your brain sees the letters as single entities. A serrifed font makes the entity the word instead of the letter. Granted, I have not looked up this information since, but I trust my 6th grade science teacher, oddly I can’t remember their name but this stuck with me. Test it out. Read a page in Times New Roman, then read it in Arial, the difference maybe small but it’s there. I also tend to feel more exhausted after reading a san-serrifed font. (You can imagine my dismay when Microsoft Word switched to Calibri instead of TNR).
  • Say “Bless You” if you are going to turn around and stare at me when I sneeze. I notice this a lot with people who are not from western countries. I know that this is because “Bless You” comes from weird Protestantism fears of your soul leaving your body during a sneeze, but I personally appreciate the gesture. I figure it is the daily equivalent of saying “I’m sorry” after someone loses a loved one. We all know that that person (hopefully) wasn’t the cause of death of said love one, but it’s become a way to say “I’m sorry you are dealing with that”. It is the same with a sneeze. Saying “Bless You” is like saying, “Hey. I don’t know you but, sneezing isn’t fun. Good luck with the rest of your day, and I hope you don’t sneeze anymore. I am a human; my body does human things too. I don’t like it. Ok bye.” See I appreciate a “Bless you” I really do. I am always amazed during exams when people still say it even though their little academic lives are on the line. However, I don’t require it. If you don’t want to say it, because you see differently than me that is totally fine; Just don’t turn around and stare at me like I ran over your first born child just because I made a loud uncontrollable noise with a weird look on my face.
  • People who eat out and then say they are too poor to tip. If you can’t tip, you can’t eat out. Sorry.
  • If someone buys an appetizer for the table take a bite, unless you have an allergy. I recently was at a dinner with a group of people, and there is one girl who hates me for existing. I bought chips and salsa for the table. Instead of taking some of the chips I purchased she bought her own. (Granted this probably goes passed courtesy and into “Don’t be a Douche”.
  • Don’t dig through someone’s stuff while they are gone. Living with multiple people, and those people being related to me, people going into my room to find things is a common occurrence. If you don’t see it upon immediate entry or in plain view; you need to turn around and leave, not dig through my drawers. I keep weird things in there, and it won’t be comfortable for either of us.
  • Be Mindful of your (and your children’s) elbows. As I write this I have been elbowed in the back twice. The third time I elbow back.
  • Don’t Flirt with People who are with their parents. It is awkward and gross. The male employees at the Starbucks near my house enjoy “grade school” flirting with me every time I go there. Regardless of who I am with. It’s dumb and creepy. When I pulled up to the window they were all standing there for the full purpose of staring at me.

 

Courtesy:

Dumb Shit that Pissed Me Off This Week

Dear Maryanne, 

This is a controlled rant of dumb shit that pissed me off this week. Some of it bothered me on a deep emotional level, some of it was probably me being stressed. Whatever. Enjoy. 

I am currently at Barnes and Noble. This guy is sitting at the table across from me, and thinks its ok for him to stare at me. Sometimes Directly other times with using the reflection of the window. He has dumb stickers on his laptop, most of which are baseball. Screw that guy.

Baseball.

People who finish exams three minutes early and then make a big show about being done early. Sit your ass back down, you are too lazy to proof read. I get it.

A target employee decided to have a full on conversation with her friend instead of handing me my receipt. I awkwardly stood there while she complained that her boyfriend doesn’t give her enough attention. My theory is that he gives her plenty but she is too busy holding someone’s receipt to notice anything that is actually going on around her.

I hate it when people put the subject of their email as what they want. Don’t send me a bodiless email. There is a reason the email provider says, “are you sure you want to send this email without a body”. It’s because its rude and ugly. This was also a professional office. A guy from a bank sent me a bodiless email.

People who don’t text back, but then say “long time no talk.” yeah. Because you didn’t write back.

When someone says, “I’ll get it to you tomorrow” and then sends it two days later and has the audacity to call you 15 minutes after it was sent to confirm if you got it.

I ordered a sandwhich without tomatoes and the lady behind the counter says, “this sandwhich is really better with tomatoes, are you sure you want them without.” I say, “Yes I”m sure, thanks though” her response, “I’ll just put them on the side.” Why this woman wants me to throw tomatoes in the trash, I will never know.

Also, I refuse to spell sandwhich correctly. Just a side note.

I already vented about the idiot trying to give me advice. So we’ll just leave it at that.

I think that is most of the hate I have been harboring, thank you for being a lovely mow and always listening to me through my dumb problems. I am beyond excited to see you! we are going to have a christmas blast or something or whatever. speaking of which: I hate that dumb christmas song about the hula-hoop. I hope who ever made that is dead. 

Also I typed in Annoy and Hate into the iphone gif finder, and it found me this garbage:

ms-8vQIsZ.gifms-LFojLV.gif

Here is the real stuff. Here is what happened when I googled “garbage hate”( oddly turned out to be one of my favorite searches, mainly for variety):