Dear Chelso Mow

There is a homeless guy that perches by my work that I go an entire block to walk around because he wails loudly: “CAN ANYBODY HELP ME? WILL ANYBODY HELP MEEE??” He chases you with his paper cup desperately and demands for help at the top of his lungs. I honestly feel for him, homelessness does not appear to be a cake-walk. However, his tactics alarm me and I steer clear of him every day for the last two and a half months.

On that note, I was listening to a podcast today and in it they were talking about how a well-known author I did not very well known made a list of things someone can do to brighten someone else’s day. This is very productive and very positive and I appreciate the idea. I do feel like as the world needs more trolls, I would like to make a list of things that could slightly ruin someone’s day.

How to Slightly Dampen Someone’s Day:

  1. Cut them off in traffic and not think twice about it.
  2. Start a conversation with the cash register person when there’s a long line of people behind you.
  3. Leave your dirty dishes next to the sink for them to clean up. Don’t offer to help.
  4. Park like a madman and get a thrill at the idea that someone will try to park next to your park-job. Then leave after them so they look like the crazy person who started the parking nightmare.
  5. Do not even motion to stop the elevator doors from closing when a person is approaching to get in. Make sure to include some awkward eye contact.
  6. Find something about someone. Tell someone that you like how they have done it that day. Make it clear that you like it far more than any other day they’ve done it ever.
  7. Ask someone a question about themselves and then immediately do something else when they try to answer it. You don’t have time for that shit.
  8. Glue pennies to the ground faced heads up.
  9. Try to start conversations in the bathroom with people you don’t know very well.
  10. Start a sentence with: “Not to be offensive or anything, but…”
  11. Argue with someone in great detail when they are attempting to do something nice for you.
  12. Walk really slowly in a walk-way or isle.
  13. Walk really slowly across the street at a light or cross-walk.
  14. Put someone on the spot to pay for your meal. Maybe even promise to pay them back if you have a reputation of never paying people back.
  15. Hold the door open for someone when they are a decent distance away.

Chelso, I hope you like my list. I miss you but I won’t for much longer! I am excited to see you soon!

Much and many plentiful abundance of regards,

Maryanne

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Chelso is oh so Gross-o

Because I am gross. 

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So I have taken it upon myself to name each of those little “oh god” that happen after you eat at certain restaurants. I am of the opinion that each one is slightly different and has a specific effect. I hope you enjoy.

  1. The Rubio’s Rumbles
  2. Domino’s Drip Drops
  3. In n out Slow Implosions
  4. Panda Express Eruptions
  5. Chipotle Odorous Show in Tell
  6. Mcdonalds Mccramps and Mcraps
  7. Del Taco Gas Factory
  8. TacoBell Tummy Tantrum
  9. Starbuck’s Coffee Spurts
  10. BurgerKing Backwards Bulimia
  11. Carl’s Jr. Three Day Journey

Due to my busy schedule I have eaten a lot more fast food than I had intended. This is by no means a complete list but it has been a fun little exercise in creativity and bodily functions. It is not exactly the most lady like thing to discuss but it is not my fault that humor and femininty don’t go together.

I have also been a bad girl and started drinking soda again because”I need caffeine” . Luckily I have been working out like a fiend to combat obesity but I think I am going to give it up again this week.

All the extra sugar has not made my skin happy, like it is super pimply, you would think I washed my face with old Carl’s Jr. frier oil.

Imagine driving up to the Carl’s Jr. Window with an empty Neutrogena Face Wash bottle and “asking for a refill”. 

I don’t think anything else gross has really happened to me, other then my innate ability to find gum that has been stuck to a bottom of a desk.

I also found an old muffin wrapper under my carseat. That was pretty gross.

Well that is why I am disgusting.

Now Time for Random Pictures!

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Things! Things! Things!

Toooooo Manny Thhhhhhiiiiiinnnnngssss

I am a person of many things, merny morbles. We have had endless countless conversations about hoarding and so forth and trying to get rid of things. I have some things that I don’t exactly need that I just can’t seem to throw away. I think it would be fair to call it “duplicating”. I have made a comprehensive list of things that I have too many of, for many of these items having two of something is too many… I hope you enjoy!

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Here is a list in no particular order

  • Hairbrushes (5+)
  • Toothbrushes(5+)
  • Sunglasses(5+)
  • Athletic Shoes (9+)
  • Navy Hoodies (8+)
  • Shampoo/Conditioner (a solid box’s worth)
  • Lotion (in previously mentioned box)
  • Body spray/perfume (also in the mystical box)
  • Waterbottles (3+)
  • Sports Bras (10?)
  • Bobby pins (an infinite amount yet maybe four are where they should be)
  • Nail polishes that I actually don’t use (4)
  • Teenage Paranormal Fiction ( any is too many)
  • Cavities ( My last check up I had 6)
  • Contacts in my phone ( 78% I have never called)
  • Unread Emails (couple hundred?)
  • Email addresses ( who knows)
  • Screen Names from AIM circa 2006 (15+)
  • Chapstick (10)
  • Cravings for food I can’t eat (infinite)
  • Sweaters ( I live in California so they are worthless)
  • People I don’t like
  • Stress
  • Pre programmed radio stations (5)
  • Stuffed Animals that I remember the name (60 +)
  • Unopened deodorants (6)
  • Unpaired socks ( I couldn’t even get close to an actual number)
  • Trips to the bathroom (yeah just too many, cant give you a number do to irregularity)
  • Headphones/ear buds (4+)
  • Things in my room that are not mine (my family treats my rooms like the room of requirement)
  • Old bills (A file folders worth)
  • Freckles ( at least 25)
  • Coffee Creamer bought for me that I can’t ingest (1)
  • Second Place trophies (8+)

Well I think that is a list that will help you get an idea of what I hoard in my home town. I am super excited for you to be here next week! How exciting, although hilariously I have found out that most of people are going to be out of town but we will figure out someway to entertain ourselves!