Dear Chelso Mow

There is a homeless guy that perches by my work that I go an entire block to walk around because he wails loudly: “CAN ANYBODY HELP ME? WILL ANYBODY HELP MEEE??” He chases you with his paper cup desperately and demands for help at the top of his lungs. I honestly feel for him, homelessness does not appear to be a cake-walk. However, his tactics alarm me and I steer clear of him every day for the last two and a half months.

On that note, I was listening to a podcast today and in it they were talking about how a well-known author I did not very well known made a list of things someone can do to brighten someone else’s day. This is very productive and very positive and I appreciate the idea. I do feel like as the world needs more trolls, I would like to make a list of things that could slightly ruin someone’s day.

How to Slightly Dampen Someone’s Day:

  1. Cut them off in traffic and not think twice about it.
  2. Start a conversation with the cash register person when there’s a long line of people behind you.
  3. Leave your dirty dishes next to the sink for them to clean up. Don’t offer to help.
  4. Park like a madman and get a thrill at the idea that someone will try to park next to your park-job. Then leave after them so they look like the crazy person who started the parking nightmare.
  5. Do not even motion to stop the elevator doors from closing when a person is approaching to get in. Make sure to include some awkward eye contact.
  6. Find something about someone. Tell someone that you like how they have doneĀ it that day. Make it clear that you like it far more than any other day they’ve done it ever.
  7. Ask someone a question about themselves and then immediately do something else when they try to answer it. You don’t have time for that shit.
  8. Glue pennies to the ground faced heads up.
  9. Try to start conversations in the bathroom with people you don’t know very well.
  10. Start a sentence with: “Not to be offensive or anything, but…”
  11. Argue with someone in great detail when they are attempting to do something nice for you.
  12. Walk really slowly in a walk-way or isle.
  13. Walk really slowly across the street at a light or cross-walk.
  14. Put someone on the spot to pay for your meal. Maybe even promise to pay them back if you have a reputation of never paying people back.
  15. Hold the door open for someone when they are a decent distance away.

Chelso, I hope you like my list. I miss you but I won’t for much longer! I am excited to see you soon!

Much and many plentiful abundance of regards,

Maryanne